McDonalds - I'm Sluggin' It.

I had a great many errands to run today during lunch (funny how "lunch," when expressed as a period of time away from the office, almost never involves eating), and, having forgotten to bring anything for my after-lunch eating-at-my-desk-while-working time, I began thinking fast food.

In this immediate area, there exist only the usual slingers of processed fare - Taco Bell, Wendy's, Arby's, and McDonalds. There's also a Mark Pi's, which is of questionable quality, and Subway, which is a pain in the ass to get to. So I've grown quite tired of Taco Bell, the only reasonable solution for a vegetarian. Bean chalupas. Bean burritos. 7 layer burritos. Repeat. Ugh.

So I remembered the billboard on the way to work, advertising McDonald's new Fruit and Walnut Salad. I debated. I hedged. Still, a light lunch sounded good, and I figured that if McD's was finally giving a non to the anti-fatass constituency, they might at least try to do a decent job with it (besides, I imagined the salad campaign would be scrapped by this time next week, so if I wanted to say I'd tried the damned thing, I'd better do it now).

So I pulled into McD's drive-thru, feeling like an ambassador from Planet Whythefuckdon'tyoueatmeatyouhippie, and proudly ordered a Fruit and Walnut Salad.

There was some murmuring in the background, and a giggle or two, and then I got my total. On to the cashier window, and the Throw Stuff Into Your Car window, and back to work I went.

I knew better. I really did. And I did it anyway. I reached into the bag and pulled out a plastic salad platter that contained six somewhat brown apple slices, five grapes, and a cup of fruit dip. That's it. No walnuts. No variety.

McDonalds, I am insulted. You think that we of the health conscious camp will laud you for your $3.99 offering of goodwill. You think you can squeeze an extra buck out of a small minority while providing us with a healthy alternative to your CHF inducing swill. Damn you, Ray Kroc, and your legion of bullshit touters, trying like all hell to expand your target market. You could at least have fresh apple slices. And where are the fucking walnuts I was promised?! We still need protein, you know.

So I learned a $3.99 lesson. Never trust the giants. Especially the ones with their hands in your pockets.

Ugh. I'm going to Taco Bell.